If I were a dog I would do my best to communicate with you. I would try to tell you that you should invest in a sense of humor and you should not take yourself so seriously.

If I were a cat I would peacefully gaze at you and you might think that I might somehow understand the depths of your soul; but in fact I would hardly notice that you are there, unless I needed attention. You are expected merely to fulfill my most basic needs, even though I am sure that I can do that for myself… after all you are sub-feline.


If I were a bird I might find it kind that you put seed out for me, as well as the pool of water, on the other claw I might decide that it is a cruel joke since that fucking cat keeps trying to kill me.

If I were a mouse or a cockroach or another creature you find intolerable: I would plan your destruction.